there's paper in my vomit.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
