I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
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