I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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