There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
