A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hippo gnu deer
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
