I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
