im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
