tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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