as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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