Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
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I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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