That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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