Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
im six kinds of drunk right now
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
