I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
