I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
