i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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