i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
