Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You took a bar mat shot.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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