i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
