the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
my shit smells like andre
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
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