I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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