Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
