Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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