so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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