I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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