Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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