He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
