I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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