I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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