They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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