Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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