Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Randomize
