Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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