Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
