i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it penis luge time yet?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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