I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Randomize
