Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just invented taco cereal.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
