when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
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So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
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I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud