this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
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I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
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Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.