cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
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Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?