I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
