Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
