Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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