Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
