His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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