I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
