I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
