is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
