you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
