Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
