UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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