The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
