its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
