Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
