i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
