No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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