Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
nutella sex= disaster
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
