Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
