His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
