There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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