can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
